A Desperate Prayer

I started writing this about six or so months ago but was inspired to finish it a few months later after a conversation with Claire when we were both going through a bit of a rough patch. I have to say I'm pretty undecided on this one. Sometimes I read it through and love it. Other times I think it's crap.

A Desperate Prayer

What must I do Lord to know what to do?

What should I pray to keep praying?

When I am pleading to be close to you

What is it I should be saying?

When I am too proud to want to be wrong Lord

Too sex-crazed to want to be pure

What must be done for my soul to be strong Lord?

Where do I look for the cure?

And when I am scared Lord crippled by fear

When anxiety strikes and takes hold

When I'm unprepared Lord, knocked out of gear

When I'm down Lord and ready to fold

When all that I used to rely on has gone

When I can't trust my own state of mind

When I can't help but feel that I've suffered too long

When I'm hopelessly lost Lord and blind

When all of my prayers seem to fall on deaf ears

When it seems you can't hear or don't care

When you seem far away and unmoved by my tears

When you don't even seem to be there.

What should be said when I'm down on my knees Lord?

Which are the words that you'll hear?

What phrase should I use when I'm begging You "please Lord"

And longing to know You are near?

Is it enough Lord to speak from the heart?

Would You rather I quote from a psalm?

Must I score high on some heavenly chart

Or win you over with charm?

Am I trying too hard Lord or not hard enough?

Should I stand, kneel or lie on the ground?

Is my language too lavish, my questions too rough?

Are they not theologically sound?

Answer me, please Lord, before it's too late

Before I'm completely undone

Before I'm consumed with self-loathing and hate

And forget I was ever Your son.

Stop me, dear father, before I jump ship

I'm on the edge Lord, pull me back

Whisper You love me and tighten Your grip

And set me off firmly on track.

I'm longing to know how to know You as friend

I'm desperate to open my heart

I know You won't tell me, Lord, where I will end

But please, father, where do I start?