Restaurant - Affair #2

Michelle Oh Chris. Thank you so much for taking me out tonight. It’s been so…er…nice. Are you sure you don’t mind paying?

Chris Well I wouldn’t be much of a date otherwise now would I?

Michelle Chris we talked about this. Please don’t call it a…a…

Chris A date?

Michelle Yes. That. We shouldn’t call it…that.

Chris (Playfully) Well what is it then?

Michelle Well, it’s just two friends who…

Chris Who have booked a hotel room.

Michelle Yes, well about that…

Chris (Worried that his chance might be slipping away) Look, it just seems that you could do with a bit of romance. (Michelle is looking down. Chris takes her hand and prompts her to look up) Hey. Hey. (She looks up) We are relational beings. We were designed to feel loved. To feel appreciated. To feel desired. And if you’re not feeling that, if you’re not getting that, then there’s nothing wrong with looking for it, even if it means looking outside your marriage. Your husband’s not giving you what you need. It’s only natural that you get it elsewhere.

Michelle (Sounding more convinced) Right. Right. I mean forget him right?

Chris Right.

Michelle I need romance.

Chris Exactly.

Michelle Do you know what his idea of romance is? (The waiter – the same one as Phil and Rosie’s – comes over with the receipt and gives it to Chris to sign. Chris takes his time over it, giving the waiter the opportunity to listen in) The other week I told him that he never did anything romantic. So how does he prove me wrong? He goes out that night, gets completely drunk and goes home to plan this romantic night in. I get home from the late-shift that night to find that my chrysanthemums have been ripped from the front garden and are lying in a mess on the lounge table. Meanwhile, he’s drunkenly belting out Elton John’s Rocketman at the top of his voice and asking me between verses if I’m “in the mood”. Oh and there was the meal of course. Phil’s idea of a romantic dinner? He’d microwaved an egg. I spent the rest of that evening cleaning out all the previous attempts that had exploded in the microwave.

(Chris hands the receipt back to the waiter who is looking at Michelle as if he might recognise her)

Chris (To the waiter) Are you ok?

Waiter Fine sir. Just a touch of déjà vu. (Takes receipt and card and walks off looking confused)

Michelle So anyway, that’s my husband for you.

Chris You know, some men just have no idea how to treat a woman.

Michelle (Starting to flirt) Oh and I suppose you do.

Chris (Confidently) Well, you’ll just have to judge for yourself.

Michelle Oh Chris. Why does this feel so easy? I just feel so relaxed with you. Like I could get away with anything. It’s how I used to feel around Phil. The things he promised me when we got married. Life is all about love, sex and romance he told me. He always knew what to say – what to do – how to cheer me up. Now we can’t stand the sight of each other. Just being in the same room as him puts me on edge. (The waiter returns with the receipt) Everything he says and does irritates me. Everything. Even the smallest and most insignificant of things will set me off. Stupid stuff like…broccoli.

(The penny drops for the waiter. He stares, shocked and open-mouthed, at Michelle. He looks across the restaurant towards Phil and Rosie and then back to Michelle and Chris. He face is a mix between utter disbelief and amusement. He suddenly bolts across the restaurant towards his colleague)

Waiter (Calling out) Tracy! (He trips behind the table of the next conversation. His head pops up from behind the table) Hi there. Are you enjoying your meal?

Bill Well we haven’t ordered ye…

Waiter Excellent. (Dashes off to tell his colleague, leaving us with the next conversation)

The Restaurant - The Affair #1

(Phil is on the phone. He is walking back to his table from the toilet. Across the restaurant, at her table, Michelle is also talking on the phone. She isn’t making a sound and probably only the most eagle-eyed of audience members will notice it – Michelle should be as subtle as possible at her end (maybe even less animated than the rest of the restaurant). Phil on the other hand should be very animated to make sure the audience’s attention is on him. Phil and Michelle don’t realise that the other is in the restaurant.)

Phil Look, how often do I get to see the guys? One night is all I’m asking. One flippin’ night…..how can you be so unreasonable about this? You’re out at your mother’s. What difference does it make?....Oh for crying out loud the blinking cat can look after itself for one night…well I’ll do the shopping when I get back…Michelle…Michelle I’m begging you do not bring this up again. Don’t do it. Michelle I…Michelle? Hello? Michelle!?! (snapping his mobile shut. Through gritted teeth.) Grgh, that woman. (Takes a seat opposite Rosie). I can’t believe she can get so bent out of shape. All I’m asking is for one night out and she goes spare.

Rosie In fairness, you are out with another woman.

Phil (Thinks about it briefly) Yes but she doesn’t know that.

Rosie Ok well let’s forget about it now and just enjoy the meal.

Phil Right. Sorry. Of course. (Pause) Do you know the last thing she said to me on the phone?

Rosie (Getting fed up) What!?

Phil She told me I had to go and get some broccoli.

Rosie (Sarcastically) The cow!

(The waiter comes over and starts setting up the table around them. He is clearly taking his time so that he can listen in. Phil and Rosie are oblivious to this)

Phil Last week, the next door neighbours needed some broccoli, so I gave them ours. Well I didn’t know she was planning to use it for dinner that night did I? It was a simple mistake. But when she finds out – wow! – anyone would have thought I’d sold the kids.

Rosie (Shocked) You have kids?!

Phil What!? No. That’s not the point. The point is all hell breaks loose over one (suddenly has to stop to think. Uncertainly) bunch of broccoli?

Rosie Is it a sprig?

Phil No I don’t think so. Maybe it’s a tree of broccoli.

Rosie A portion of broccoli?

Waiter I think it’s a head. A head of broccoli. (Phil and Rosie look at him, realising he’s been listening. Awkward pause) I’ll go get your drinks.

Phil Anyway, the point is, she flies off the handle…

Rosie Phil, Phil, please! If this is going to work, you are going to have to stop talking about your wife.

Phil Right. I’m sorry. Sorry.

Rosie That’s alright. It just kinda takes the romance out of it that’s all.

Phil You’re right. I know. I know. (Pause) You know who’s excellent at sucking the romance out of a relationship?

Rosie Your wife?

Phil My wife. (Rosie puts her head on the table in despair. Phil doesn’t notice. The waiter comes back with the drinks.) The other week, she accused me of not being romantic. So, when she came back from work that evening, I had a bunch of chrysanthemums (her favourite flower) waiting on the lounge table. I had our favourite singer, Elton John, playing in the background and I had a beautiful romantic meal all laid out. (At this point, the waiter has placed the drinks and is just standing by the table listening) And do you know what she said to me?

Rosie (Still with her head on the table) Tell me. Please.

Phil She called me pathetic and told me to go to bed. And not even in a romantic, sexy, “I’ll be up in a minute” kind of way. No, she clears up all my hard work and… (noticing the waiter is just standing there, listening)

Waiter (Smiles, embarrassed) Enjoy your drinks (Quickly walks off).

The Restaurant - Family Guy

Bill Ok – I was going to wait till after the meal but I can’t wait. (Pulls out gift) Happy 1st Anniversary.

Susie Oh Bill. Thank you. (They hug. She opens it. It’s a necklace.) It’s beautiful.

Bill Here. (He takes it from her and attaches it round her neck)

Susie (Looking at it) Thank you honey.

Bill You’re welcome (kisses her on the cheek). Love you.

Susie Love you too.

Bill (Sitting back down and looking at the menu) Ok, so what are you having?

Susie (Still admiring the necklace) Oh I don’t mind sweetheart, you order.

Bill Ok well there’s the steak – you fancy steak?

Susie (Still with the necklace) Hmm. Not really.

Bill Chicken? Salmon? Fajitas? Lamb? Ooh the gammon’s very good here. Remember when we were here last time?

Susie Oh yes I remember. Yeah let’s go for the gammon.

Bill (Noticing something) Huh!

Susie (Absent-mindedly) What?

Bill Oh just noticed this. Before long we’ll be ordering from the kid’s menu.

Susie (Dropping the necklace and rolling her eyes in despair). Oh Bill it was all going so well.

Bill What so I’m not allowed to talk about it at all now?

Susie No. Just not here. Bill please.

Bill Well surely this is the perfect time to talk about it. We’ve been married a year now. We’re out celebrating that. We’re looking to the future and…. Look, Susie, I love you. I love you more than anything else in the world and I want to have your children. (Susie, looks up confused. Bill realises his mistake. Corrects himself). My children. I want you to have my children.

Susie Bill, I love you too. Of course I do. But we’re just not ready. (Bill rolls his eyes) I’m not ready. The next few months are crucial in my career. My company’s looking for a new partner. And I can do it. I know I can. But I have to prove that. I have to prove that I’m committed to the company. And I can’t do that if they think I’m gonna be taking every other year off for maternity leave. Look I’m not saying never but right now is the worst possible time for me to get pregnant.

Bill It’s always the worst possible time for you to get pregnant. Before this it was the big account that you had to close. Then it was the staff shortages. And after this, if you do make partner, well that’s it. I can give up any hope of ever having a family.

Susie Why do we have to this now?

Bill Because life hasn’t started until you’ve got a family. Until you’re the head of a household. Until we have a child who we can love and raise together.

Susie Oh life hasn’t started? You know, two years ago, you proposed and told me that life wasn’t going to start until we were married. After that, life wasn’t going to start until we had our own home. Now life won’t start until we have a child. And will life start then? No. Life won’t start until that child has a little baby brother or a sister. Life won’t start until we have a bigger house with a big garden and a big dog.

Bill (Timidly) I don’t like dogs.

Susie (Ignoring him). Life won’t start until the kids have grown up and gone off to university. Life won’t start until we’re grandparents. Then life won’t really have started until we’re both retired and can while away the hours in the garden slowly going senile. Why don’t you just skip through the whole lot Bill and come straight out with it. Life won’t start until we’re dead.

Bill So what are you saying? That you just want to stay like this for the rest of our lives? Never growing. Never moving forward.

Susie No. Of course not. I’m just saying…life has already started. We’re in it. Now. And you can’t just keep looking forward to the next big thing to fulfil you.

Bill I understand that. I just don’t want the next big thing to pass me by because of something as trivial as the next big job.

Susie You think my having a job is trivial?

Bill No but I think a promotion would be. Why do you need to be a partner? We already make more than enough money already. You getting this job will just mean a lot more hours for a lot more money that we don’t need.

Susie You never said anything about this before.

Bill I just think there are more important things in this life than your career.

Susie Well I think there are more important things in this life that your children.

Waitress (Coming over to take order) You guys know what you want?

Bill (Coldly. Looking at Susie) No. We don’t.

Waitress (Realising she’s just interrupted something) Ok well just let me know when you’re ready.

The Restaurant - Tarot Cards

Mike You got the cards?

Ed Right here? You’re sure you know what you’re doing?

Mike Of course.

Ed Coz I’m serious about this Mike. I’m not just mucking about here. This can be dangerous if it’s not done properly.

Mike Mate, relax. I’ve done this like a million times. Trust me.

Ed And how comes you don’t have your own cards again?

Mike They’re…er…being serviced.

Ed Serviced?

Mike You know, checking the yin levels, making sure they’re balanced with the yang. All that sort of stuff. It’s like a spiritual MOT for cards.

Ed (sceptical) The yin and yang? Mike are you sure…

Mike (having laid out the cards on the table) Ssh ssh ssh. Let’s begin. Give me your hands. Right now close your eyes. And take a deep breath in…and out…and in…and out. Good good, right, now I want you to empty your mind of all thoughts and feelings. Don’t think. Don’t feel. Just sense. Do you feel like you’re floating?

Ed Not really.

Mike (Taken aback. He was clearly hoping for a floating sensation. Gathering himself). Good. Good. Floating’s bad. Now when you’re ready, I want you to slowly pick up one card at a time and form a single pile in the centre of the table. Just sense which cards to pick up. Let your hands do the thinking. (Ed does so.) Good. Good. (He picks the pile up and fans them out like a magician) Right, now I want you to pick a card.

Ed (opens his eyes) What!?

Mike Any card.

Ed Mike this isn’t how you…

Mike Ssh…just pick a card.

Ed But you’re supposed to…

Mike (forcefully) Pick one!!

Ed (slowly and sceptically takes a card from the deck)

Mike Ok now look at your card

Ed (doing so) What!?

Mike Ok now don’t show me. Don’t show me.

Ed You’ve given me death.

Mike (throwing the cards down) Oh well if you’re gonna flippin’ ruin it.

Ed THIS ISN’T A MAGIC TRICK!!

Mike Of course it isn’t. You showed me your card.

Ed What is the point? What is the point? Why did I believe, even for a second, that you would take this seriously? Of course you can’t tell the future, you can barely tell the time.

Mike You’re a very negative person.

Ed You’re an idiot.

Mike (noticing one of the cards and picking it up to show Ed) Hehe. This one looks like a donkey.

Ed Why do I bother? (noticing the waitress) Excuse me? Can we get the bill please?

Waitress Certainly sir.

Ed Thank you.