The Restaurant - Tarot Cards

Mike You got the cards?

Ed Right here? You’re sure you know what you’re doing?

Mike Of course.

Ed Coz I’m serious about this Mike. I’m not just mucking about here. This can be dangerous if it’s not done properly.

Mike Mate, relax. I’ve done this like a million times. Trust me.

Ed And how comes you don’t have your own cards again?

Mike They’re…er…being serviced.

Ed Serviced?

Mike You know, checking the yin levels, making sure they’re balanced with the yang. All that sort of stuff. It’s like a spiritual MOT for cards.

Ed (sceptical) The yin and yang? Mike are you sure…

Mike (having laid out the cards on the table) Ssh ssh ssh. Let’s begin. Give me your hands. Right now close your eyes. And take a deep breath in…and out…and in…and out. Good good, right, now I want you to empty your mind of all thoughts and feelings. Don’t think. Don’t feel. Just sense. Do you feel like you’re floating?

Ed Not really.

Mike (Taken aback. He was clearly hoping for a floating sensation. Gathering himself). Good. Good. Floating’s bad. Now when you’re ready, I want you to slowly pick up one card at a time and form a single pile in the centre of the table. Just sense which cards to pick up. Let your hands do the thinking. (Ed does so.) Good. Good. (He picks the pile up and fans them out like a magician) Right, now I want you to pick a card.

Ed (opens his eyes) What!?

Mike Any card.

Ed Mike this isn’t how you…

Mike Ssh…just pick a card.

Ed But you’re supposed to…

Mike (forcefully) Pick one!!

Ed (slowly and sceptically takes a card from the deck)

Mike Ok now look at your card

Ed (doing so) What!?

Mike Ok now don’t show me. Don’t show me.

Ed You’ve given me death.

Mike (throwing the cards down) Oh well if you’re gonna flippin’ ruin it.

Ed THIS ISN’T A MAGIC TRICK!!

Mike Of course it isn’t. You showed me your card.

Ed What is the point? What is the point? Why did I believe, even for a second, that you would take this seriously? Of course you can’t tell the future, you can barely tell the time.

Mike You’re a very negative person.

Ed You’re an idiot.

Mike (noticing one of the cards and picking it up to show Ed) Hehe. This one looks like a donkey.

Ed Why do I bother? (noticing the waitress) Excuse me? Can we get the bill please?

Waitress Certainly sir.

Ed Thank you.